This Month's Issue features new ways you can incorporate spas into your meeting. This is a good idea, but I have to be honest and tell you that the spa experience has always rubbed me the wrong way.

I am not a big fan of the massage. I know that I am in the minority here, but I find the whole thing too confusing to be relaxing. There are so many different kinds of treatments that it is virtually impossible to make the right decision. I did some research on the different types of services available and my findings are the basis for this clip-and-save column.

Dale's Spa Guide

Swedish Massage — Your massage is given by a large woman named Olga who rubs you like a meatball. When you are fully relaxed, you are lightly sprinkled with powdered sugar and treated to a smorgasbord.

Thai Massage — Same as the above except you are covered with sesame oil and deep-fried in fat.

Herbal Mud Wrap — Mix up basil, tarragon, and turmeric with topsoil and water. When the mud is the consistency of, well, mud, they spread it on you and wrap you in a sheet like a mummy. After you have been thoroughly marinated, they remove the sheet and you walk home caked in mud and smelling like Emeril.

Body Sanding — A Black and Decker belt sander gently removes your subepidural layer exposing nerve endings that sting like the dickens. You are finished off with extra fine steel wool and given two coats of spar varnish.

Salt Glo — If you live in a part of the country that experiences snow in the winter, you already know what a salt glo looks like on your automobile. Now you can have the same thing on your skin. Saltwater is applied head to toe. When it dries, you are placed in a field with deer and cattle who slowly lick the salt off of you until you glow. Not recommended for the ticklish.

Ear Candling — This is the weirdest of all spa experiences. A small wick is stuck in your ear and ignited. The purpose is to use your ear wax as fuel and clean out your ear canal. At the end of the session, your therapist will encourage you to make a wish and blow out the candle but since the candle is in your ear this is darn near impossible. It is fun for the therapist to watch, however.

Gentleman's Facial — This one, obviously, is just for men but it differs from a woman's facial in the final result. A woman gets a facial to get rid of lines and wrinkles and tighten up her skin. A gentleman's facial loosens up the skin to the point that you cannot form words with your lips. It's like Novocain without the shot. When you have a drink, it also becomes dribble city.

Aromatherapy Massage — This smells really nice. Imagine getting a back rub in the parking lot of Krispy Kreme when the donuts are just coming out of the fryer.

Bikini Wax — The ladies already know what this is and probably winced just reading the words, but guys have no idea. Most guys think bikini wax is something that helps you slide into the bikini more easily. For those unfamiliar with the treatment, let me equate it to misjudging a line drive and catching it in an area usually covered by a bikini bottom.

Dale Irvin is a professional summarizer who has added a new dimension to many financial and insurance meetings. For booking info, contact Ruth Levine at Speak Inc.: (858) 457-9880.