WHAT CAUGHT MY attention in this issue is the article on blogging. I don't know about you, but I have never blogged. I am a blog virgin, but I must admit that blog is a funny word to say. Go ahead; say it, “Blog, blog, blog.” Fun isn't it? For those of you who either didn't read the article or started at the back of the magazine, a blog, short for “Web log,” is an online journal. If it were short for “Web journal” it would be bjou and sound like an old time movie theater.

A Web journal is like a diary except that anybody can look at it. A diary usually has a lock and key and contains your innermost thoughts and dreams. A blog contains stuff you are comfortable having total strangers read. If you write about your deepest, darkest fantasy in your diary, you are the only one who will ever read it, but if you write about it in your blog, prepare to get some really weird e-mails. 'Nuf said.

I don't know why other people would be interested in what you put in your journal, but apparently they are. Celebrities all have their own blogs that they use to inform the public about their day … as if the public really cares. The public doesn't care about my daily activities either, so I thought I should have a blog too. To figure out what I wanted to say, I visited the blogs of several famous people to take a look at their latest entries. (Well, OK, not really. But here's what I think they'd say.):

Bill Gates — Billblog@Moremoneythangod.com

$1,619,787.85; $1,619.787.95; $1,619,787.98 — Oh, hi. I was just counting the change in the dish on my bed stand. I need to go to the bank today and put this in our special “vacation” account. This year I am going to surprise Melissa by taking her and the kids to Australia … which I bought last week.

I'm thinking about changing my hairstyle. I like what Donald Trump has done with his but I don't want to be a copycat. I think I'll go with something spiky.

Gotta go now; Springer's on TV.

Bill Clinton — Slickwilly/blog/yourehot.com

Dear Blog, I feel your pixels. Boy have I been busy. I'm working on a new book with a lot of pictures and a centerfold. I'm not writing it, I'm working my way through reading it. Ha, ha.

I think Hillary's really going to run for president. Boy, she is so competitive! I don't think anybody is really going to vote for her but the campaign will get her out of the house for the next year or two. If she wins, I get to go back to the White House again, although she has already told me that the Oval Office is off limits. That's all for now. Jerry Springer's coming on the tube. Jer-ry, Jer-ry, Jer-ry!

President Bush — GWB/blog/spellcheck.com

My fellow Blogger Americans, It has been a busy week, what with the war and all, but I found time to screen a new movie that was sent to the White House. It is called “The Aristocrats” and quite honestly, I didn't get it. It has some pretty raw language so I don't think I'm going to recommend it to Laura … even though Barbara and Jenna are in it. No, wait, they're not in that movie. … They're on Jerry Springer.

Back to work now. Peace out. W.

Dale Irvin — Dales/blog/fiction/erzatz.com

Dear Blog readers, I can't wait. In just a few more weeks I will be speaking at the prestigious ICPA annual meeting in New York City. I'm so excited because they're the best audience in the world. And I'm not just saying that because there's a good chance they might read this. I'm saying it because I'm hoping they hire me for their next convention.

Gotta run. I'm on Springer.

To have Dale Irvin professionally summarize your next meeting, call Speak Inc. at (848) 457-9880.