Dale Irvin’s humorous guide to saving the planet
One of our greatest amphibian philosophers, Kermit the Frog, summed it up best when he recorded his hit song in 1983. It is, in fact, difficult, complicated, and sometimes inconvenient being green these days. In fact, it is hard getting people to agree to what being “green” actually means. For some people, being green means being new or inexperienced. For others, being green means getting ready to throw up. For most of us, it means behaving in a manner that is eco-sensitive. But eco-sensibility is not as easy as it sounds — until now. I have pondered this perplexing problem for some time and finally figured out how to make the earth greener through four easy steps.
Step 1 — When you go to the grocery store, you are inevitably asked if you want “plastic or paper” bags. Either choice affects the environment. Paper bags require the destruction of trees while plastic sacks are made from oil. The next time you go grocery shopping, tell the checkout clerk that you don't want any bags. You will just carry your purchases in your arms. This will accomplish two things. First, it will save trees and oil by not requiring a bag, and second, it will help you to lose weight. If you can eat only as much as you can carry, you will soon find that the pounds will start to drip off (making the sidewalk very slippery.)
Step 2 — If you mow your lawn with a gasoline-powered mower, you are polluting the air with engine emissions and polluting the silence of the neighborhood with the noise. I suggest that you sell your lawn mower and purchase goats. Goats are the green solution to your lawn-care problems because they will eat your grass, as well as any paper, tin cans, or miscellaneous litter that they find around the yard. Goats do not make much noise, and the droppings they leave can be used to fertilize your garden. A big plus to this plan is that when your goats die, you can eat them. It's what is known as a win-win situation.
Step 3 — Cars are a huge source of air pollution, and, with the current price of gasoline, they are a surefire budget buster. Sell your car and get yourself a nicely equipped two-wheel buggy. A buggy is easy to operate, simple to park, very quiet, and costs virtually nothing to operate because it will be powered by your goats. They can't work on the lawn full time so you might as well hook them up to the cart for a trip to the store.
Step 4 — Litter is an eyesore, and according to the most recent report from the Vatican, it is also a sin. People litter because they are lazy. If they don't see a trash receptacle right in front of their eyes, they will throw their litter on the ground and walk away. You can begin the anti-littering campaign by not littering yourself. Put your litter in your pocket until you get home and then just toss it in the yard for the goats.
If you see someone else littering, try to tactfully inform them of their transgression. I suggest something along the lines of “Hey, Pig-Boy! You just dropped your disgusting piggy trash on the street. So go pick it up before I kick your curly piggy tail!” Note: This technique should be used only on someone smaller than you who is not armed and/or dangerous.
With these small efforts, it can be a beautiful green world, and it is all up to you. If you have any questions, you can reach me at my new business, Dale's House of Goats. Come on down for a test drive today.
Dale Irvin is The Professional Summarizer; making meetings funnier since the Reagan era. Be sure to sign up for Dale's free Friday Funnies, a video recap of the week's news. Visit www.daleirvin.com and click on the link for The Friday Funnies.