THIS ISSUE IS all about golf and as you may or may not know, I don't like golf. One major reason is: I stink at it. That aside, I also don't like golf because I don't think it is a sport. Golf has none of the normal accouterment associated with sports. For instance…

  • Golf has no cheerleaders — Cheerleaders are important to sports. They keep the crowd excited; they keep the participants enthused about winning; and they give you something else to look at when the action on the field of play grinds to a halt. With golf there's not a lot of action to begin with. Golf consists of periodically hitting a small white ball with a big club, but other than that it is nothing more than walking. Most country clubs even take walking out of the equation by providing players with battery-operated carts in which to ride. How lazy can you get? Golf carts are employed in other sports but only to cart injured players from the field. You don't see a baseball manager take a cart to visit the pitcher on the mound nor do you see a wide receiver zoom down the field in a go-cart on steroids. In my opinion, battery-operated carts have no place in sports. With no action to speak of, golf needs cheerleaders more than any other sport. Imagine the chant on the putting green: “Give me a P, give me an A, give me an R, What have you got? PAR.”

  • Golf has no fights — Every other competitive sport has fights. Football, baseball, hockey, and basketball — they all have fights. Heck, we even have boxing, which is a sport entirely dedicated to fights. The problem with golf is that nobody dukes it out. Answer me honestly: Wouldn't you like to see Fuzzy Zoeller say something about Tiger Woods' mama and have Tiger dive over a caddy to rip his hairpiece off? Sure you would. Golf needs a good slugfest to pep it up a little. Perhaps the fans could even get involved so the whole thing looks more like a European soccer match.

  • Golf has no defense — What is a sport without defense? It's a hobby, that's what it is. Golf needs a way for the other players to keep Tiger Woods from winning every single match. For starters, every golfer would go on the course armed with a paintball gun that he could use to shoot at any other player at any time. The gun would have only five shots so strategy must be employed too. Some additional defense could be established by the golf course itself. Right now all they supply are sand traps and water hazards but I believe the addition of a pack of wild dogs roaming the course would add to the excitement, not to mention what they would provide for crowd control. If a golfer is leading after three rounds, he also has to carry hot dogs in his pockets during the final 18 holes. This would be a treat to both the dogs and the spectators.

To sum it all up, these ideas will give golf the excitement it needs to rank as an organized sport.

Dale Irvin, a popular emcee at financial services meetings, knows a lot about adding a humorous dimension to your next conference. He also knows a lot about insurance and is the author of “Insurance as a Second Language.” Visit Dale's Web site at For booking information, contact Ruth Levine at Speak Inc. (858) 457-9880.