The biggest topic on the public’s mind right now is healthcare. Politicians have been battling back and forth on this issue and finally passed a bill that was immediately signed and put into law even though nobody understands it. And nobody understands it because nobody has read it. And nobody has read it because it is 2,400 pages long and no CliffNotes are available.

I thought about reading it myself, but I don’t have any trouble sleeping, so I will review it without reading it just like I did in college. For instance, I never read War and Peace, but I happen to know that it is about war and about peace. The same holds true for the Bible. I haven’t read every word, but I’ve read enough to know that it’s about God. So I am thoroughly prepared to translate the new healthcare program for you even though I haven’t read it because, after all, laughter is the BEST medicine.

Top 10 Points of the New Healthcare Law
1. If you get injured, either put ice on it, or rub some dirt in it.

2. Pre-existing conditions will be covered as long as you have never had them before.

3. Leeches will be used for regular blood-lettings. (This part was sponsored by the National Leech Association.)

4. It’s OK for the president to smoke, but it’s bad for everybody else.

5. Tourette’s Syndrome will be renamed Joe Biden’s Disease.

6. Prescriptions will probably cost more. So, if you can possibly avoid taking any, you will save over $6 billion.

7. At least the Canadians will stop coming down here for their operations.

8. Everybody has to have healthcare, but if you can’t afford it, it will be provided for you. Why doesn’t the government have a policy like this for Ferraris? Tell me I have to have one, but since I can’t afford it, buy one for me.

9. If you visit a tanning salon, you will pay a new 10 percent tax. If you get your tan from the sun, you will be subject to a 10 percent sun tax.

10. Two words sum up healthcare for seniors: Soylent Green.

I hope this helps you better understand what we are in for, but please don’t take my word for it, read it for yourself. Summer is coming and I think that 2,400-page document would make a great page-turner at the beach.

Dale Irvin, the Professional Summarizer, can add a new dimension to your next meeting by emceeing and “summarizing” your event. Sign up here for Dale’s Free Friday Funnies. For booking information, visit the Speak Inc. Web site or call Ruth Levine at (858) 457-9880