Here's the latest from the Borowitz Report:
New Findings in Study Commissioned by Brain Surgeons
Rocket scientists, long considered the gold standard in intelligence among all professionals, are not nearly as smart as originally thought, according to a controversial new study published today by the American Association of Brain Surgeons.
The study, which appears in the organization's monthly publication, Popular Brain Surgery, is entitled "The Intelligence of Rocket Scientists: Myth Versus Reality," and suggests that rocket scientists' reputation for smartness is largely undeserved.
"It does require a superior intellect to function as a rocket scientist," the article concedes. "Having said that, though, rocket science is not brain surgery."
The article drew an immediate rebuke from a spokesperson for the American Society of Rocket Scientists, who blasted the study as "state-of-the-art pro-brain surgeon propaganda."
"As rocket scientists, we take offense at this naked attempt by a devious cabal of opportunistic brain surgeons to supplant us as the smartest people on the planet," the spokesperson said. "If rocket science is so easy, we'd like to see these so-called brain surgeons give it a try one of these days."
Professor Davis Logsdon, a University of Minnesota expert who studies the turf wars between rocket scientists and brain surgeons, said that he believes the latest controversy between the two groups has been overplayed.
"The fact of the matter is, the smartest people in the world have always been, and will always be, University of Minnesota experts," he said.
Elsewhere, after a backup punter at the University of Northern Colorado was accused of stabbing the starter in the leg, he said in his defense, "It was either that or start taking steroids."