Goodness knows we have an awful lot of problems as of late, but nobody has been able to come up with any answers. For instance, our auto industry is in trouble but the only answer we have come up with is to give them money, and when they get into deeper trouble, give them more money. This is not an answer. This is like giving your child a dollar for every F they bring home on their report card.
Our economy is going upside-down as we watch the folding money in our 401(k)s turn into that change we are supposed to believe in. The only solution anybody has come up with is to increase taxes, which we are supposed to pay with less money. Add to this the increasing home foreclosures, shuttered businesses, and escalating unemployment, and it quickly becomes overwhelming.
That is why I've decided to dedicate this column to giving you the solutions to two of our biggest problems in a single answer. According to government reports and reality TV, the two biggest problems facing Americans are the facts that we have too much fat and not enough money. If this sounds like somebody you know, please have them read my soon-to-be-written book, “Diet Your Way To Solvency, or Budget Yourself Thin.” This all-inclusive solution contains the secret to losing weight while saving money, and it is simpler than a one-square Sudoku puzzle, but the book will still cost $24.95. I will give you the secret here in four easy steps.
Step 1: Eat only foods you don't like. It never fails that when I go to the grocery store, the foods that are on sale are the ones I don't like. For instance, I loathe beets — sliced beets, whole beets, beet soup, candied beets, and beet-a-roni — but they are always on sale. So I buy them, don't eat them, and donate them to the local food pantry. Therefore, I have saved money by buying the items on sale, I have gained a tax deduction by donating them, and since I didn't eat any of them, I lost weight.
Step 2: Start a savings account where you deposit 10 cents for every calorie you consume during the day. For instance, if you devour a 1200 calorie Big Mac with fries and soda, you have to put $12 in your savings. If you don't have $12 to deposit in your savings, you don't eat that Big Mac today. Instead, you can have a fistful of carrots and deposit a dollar into your account. It's basic math meets sensible eating.
Step 3: While I do not condone this idea, it is a good way to lose weight and save money. The technique is popularly called “Dine and Dash” and it amounts to eating at a restaurant and then running away before you pay the bill. While this sounds like a reasonable way to achieve both of our goals of weight loss (running away burns calories) and saving money (not paying is money in your pocket), it has some inherent flaws. First, it is illegal and could put you in jail. Although in jail you live rent-free, get free food, and save money on your wardrobe, it is not the optimum solution. Second, I don't know about you but I don't “dash” anywhere anymore. Chances are an arthritic waitress with sensible shoes could catch me before I made it to the parking lot.
Step 4: Avoid room service. It costs a lot of money. You have to pay for not only the food, but also a delivery charge, a setup fee, a stale bread retainer, and a gratuity, easily adding up to more than you paid for the room. Instead of ordering room service, I take a brisk walk through the hotel hallways around 8 p.m. after everybody who's ordered room service has eaten their fill and put their trays into the hallway. You'd be shocked to see how much good uneaten food gets discarded on room service trays. It is a feast waiting to be gleaned, and the recycling effort makes the world a greener place.
I hope you find these four steps useful in your daily lives and that it's the solution you've been looking for.
Dale Irvin is The Professional Summarizer™. He will emcee your next event and keep the audience updated on what they have just seen with a running comedy monologue. And, you don't have to worry about him ordering room service. Visit www.DaleIrvin.com and sign up for the free Friday Funnies, and Funny Business.