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I have been in almost 50 countries in the last four years, plus a myriad of domestic trips. In that time, I have been to more than my fair share of airports, and spent a goodly amount of time in these halls of transportation. Some of the airports are good: You get to your gate easily, and fly out without too much frustration. Some are great, an amazing start to your vacation or meeting, or a final nice thought of a city. And then there are those airports that are just terrible, that suck the life from you. The airports that Dante was likely referring to when he was writing about the layers of hell.
London’s Heathrow Airport is, to me, the worst airport in the world. I travel through here often, since it’s a hub for American Airlines and its code share with British Airways. The reasons I hate this airport are legion. First, when you arrive, more often than not, you exit not on a jet bridge, but down the “Arrested Development” stairs onto a bus, which should hold 50 people, but always seems to have triple that on board. After a 10-minute, rollicking, bumpy ride through the bowels of the airport, you are dropped at a terminal where you go through security (if transferring) or customs. Once you pass security, you then get on another bus to be taken to your departing terminal. If they gave frequent flier miles for airport buses, I would be top tier at Heathrow for sure.
Heathrow’s Terminal Three is used for American/British Airways flights. My biggest frustration here is that they announce your gate about 15 minutes before boarding. There’s almost no seating, so you are left to stew in mediocre to poor restaurants and duty free shops until they finally post your gate. At the point, there is a mad stampede to a gate that is most likely at the other end of the terminal. Be prepared to show your passport and boarding pass at least five times before getting on the plane. One redeeming factor: Terminal Three has a very nice Admirals Club that can save you from the aimless wandering.
A couple of years ago, I had an eight-hour layover at Heathrow on my way to Istanbul. I stayed at the Yotel there, a tiny hotel inside Terminal 4. For around 100 dollars, I had a small room, perhaps 10-foot square, equipped with a bed, TV, and bathroom. It’s a pleasant place for a few hours of sleep after a transatlantic flight, but the next morning, I needed to transfer terminals before the train was operating, and so had to take a city bus to the other terminal. It took 45 minutes to transfer to a terminal that should have taken less than five minutes.
My second least favorite airport is Orlando International. This place simply erodes your mental acuity. From the moment you arrive to the second you depart, there is a cacophony of screaming children that is truly the chorus of the damned. You have two types of people here. The first are eager and enthusiastic screaming people excited to begin their theme park adventures. The second type have just come back from their theme park adventures, also screaming, but this time in misery. These people are all broke, sunburned, and tired, and irate that the $28 fake sword just got confiscated by the TSA (the line of which is longer than the one for Space Mountain). The lower level of the airport is cramped and congested (and noisy), while the upper level has only the one massive security queue (which is even noisier). While not completely the airport’s fault, driving to the Orlando hotels requires several tolls no matter which way you go.
My best solution for Orlando is to just not fly there. I fly to Tampa instead and drive over. It is cheaper, calmer, and only a few minutes farther to the main hotels in Orlando.
Miami International, at number three, would have been higher on this list were it not for the train (shown above) that now operates in the main terminal. Before this opened, I once walked 30 minutes from gate to gate, and I am a fairly brisk walker. One of the main reasons I hate Miami is the lack of restaurants: A real airport needs to have more options than Manchu Woks and Nathan’s Famous hot dogs. I have also never arrived or departed on time; my average delay in Miami is well over an hour. Last time I came in from the Bahamas, the power went out in Miami Airport, and that delayed flights for about three hours. I have never seen worse lines for either customs or security theater than at Miami. I have both Global Entry and TSA PreCheck, but seeing how poorly these departments are run at this airport would make me concerned that my attendees would be seriously inconvenienced.
For brevity’s sake, I will lump my next three least-favorite airports together. Newark International, JFK International (shown), and La Guardia all serve the New York area, but none does it well. For all of the boasting that New Yorkers do about their subways, why this vaunted train system does not reach the airports is beyond my comprehension. You have to sit in traffic for anywhere from an hour to two hours to get anywhere in Manhattan. Yes, Newark has a combination of PATH and Amtrak trains to get you to the city, and JFK has the Airtran that connects to the subway system and the Long Island Rail Road, but neither is convenient or efficient. I have never been on time arriving or departing to any of the three airports. Not once. It is not a surprise that most of the airports on this list are low on the on-time arrivals list compiled by the U.S. Department of Transportation. A good airport should be able to get this basic right, but the New York airspace is so crowded, flying to and from any of these airports is a crapshoot in regards to timing.
I truly love New Orleans—it’s one of the best cities in the U.S. But I hate Louis Armstrong New Orleans International Airport and look forward to the day that they open the new terminal. The current one is outdated, with zero amenities and, most surprisingly, no good restaurants. In a city that has arguably the best food in the country, it should be a crime that the food options at the airport are so limited and lackluster. Seriously, the new terminal should have a Drago’s, Café Du Monde, Acme, Brennan’s, etc. The whole airport is just bland and soulless, the complete opposite of the fine city it represents.
Flying in and out of Moscow’s Domodedovo International Airport was a depressing exercise, and I was happy when I left. I loved visiting the city, but the airport left a lot to be desired. It has a confusing layout, and you have to clear security multiple times (to get in to the airport, to get into the customs area, and to get to the gates). The whole place was oppressive and claustrophobic, and at the gate I flew out of, there was just one lonely souvenir shop and only vending machines for food and drink. I saw a grand total of one smile at this airport, and it was my reflection in the mirror (just making sure they still existed in this island of gloom). I have heard that the other Moscow airport is worse, but not having a reason to visit.
Coming soon: my favorite airports in the world. The ones that actually make travel enjoyable!
