Reflections of a Golfophobic

Say it loud: I hate golf and I'm proud

There, I said it. For the first time, I publicly declare that I hate golf and, boy, is that a load off of my shoulders. I don't care if I stand alone but I take pride in being an anti-golfite with golfophobic tendencies and I am prepared to tell you why in something called…

8 reasons I hate golf

(No golfers were injured in the making of this list.)

1. First and foremost, golf should never be referred to as a “sport.” It doesn't rank with sports like football, boxing, hockey, or roller derby. It doesn't rank with any sport because is not a sport. Anything that can be done while smoking and drinking is not a sport. It's a hobby, a pastime, or a leisure pursuit, much like fishing, pinochle, or pool, but at a slower pace.

2. There is no defense in golf. If it were really a sport, there would be something to make the game more challenging. I suggest that the PGA consider adding some defense to the course in the form of wild animals. Depending on budget, a course could increase its defense rating with the addition of anything from feral pigs to mountain lions.

3. Golf is elitist. You will hear the term elitist bandied about quite a bit during this election year, but nothing deserves the adjective more than golf. To play the game, you have to go to a special golf “course” where you exchange a sizable wad of money for the privilege of using the course. So, you pay to play on somebody else's lawn. How much more elitist can you get? And you have to have special shoes! And they cost a lot of money. At least at the bowling alley you can rent the special shoes.

4. Golf is too expensive. Golfers spend $1.2 kajillion every year for equipment, greens fees, club dues, balls, hideously ugly trousers that should only be worn in private — and even then, you better have a good excuse — and those little things you put the ball on. I forget what they're called but it starts with a T.

5. You have to be quiet when watching golf. You might as well be at the opera! The fun of being a fan is cheering for your favorite team, booing the umpire, and clapping your hands to a musical chant with lyrics like “Dee-Fence.” If pro golf wants to increase its popularity, it will need to add things for the fans like cheerleaders, marching bands, and wacky costumed mascots.

6. Golf carts! Golf has never been considered an extreme sport but it requires a lot less effort than it appears. Think about it. You swing a club at a ball, follow the ball — at a leisurely pace — and smack it again. What could be easier? This was probably the question on Henry Ford's mind when he said, “Hey, how about if we drive from shot to shot?” If you insist on incorporating a motorized vehicle into the game, add some cars that are really fast so that golfers could play 18 holes in an hour. You could call the new venture NASGOLF.

7. People cheat in golf. Your average weekend hacker will lie about his or her score like a mob witness under oath. After swinging their clubs more than a dozen times on a single hole, they will announce “Give me a seven on that one!”

8. The main reason I hate golf is that I stink at it. I've tried many times to play golf, and each and every time I failed. I had my own set of clubs and a pair of special shoes; I even had a special tool to get my golf ball out of the lake. But none of these things brought me any joy. Typically, after my first 30 shots — which usually happened by the second hole — I would lose interest in the game. But now I have renewed interest because I think I've stumbled upon a solution that will make golf more exciting by providing defense, punishing cheaters, and appealing to the common man while at the same time retaining the quiet nature of the game. I'm not at liberty to divulge my patent-pending idea right now, but let me just say that it would add one new piece of equipment to every golfer's bag: the PBG, the PaintBall Gun.

Dale Irvin is known as “the professional summarizer,” making meetings funnier since the Reagan era. Be sure to sign up for Dale's free Friday Funnies, a video recap of the week's news. Visit www.daleirvin.com and click on the link for The Friday Funnies.