SINCE THIS IS the annual golf issue of ICP magazine, I have decided to write about something else. I am not a big fan of golf. I used to play the game and always had a good score… for a bowler! I carried about a 137 average back then which made my handicap … very, very large.
For a while I tried miniature golf, which was a lot of fun, especially with a good caddy. I also gave Golden Tee a shot. Golden Tee is the immensely popular video game that costs as much as playing as a round of regular golf. It is usually located in taverns, where, after a couple of beers, it seems like a good idea.
Until recently, I also found golf to be the most boring sport to watch on TV. Its whispering announcers and snail-like pace lend a snooze-like aura to golf that beat out ice dancing, curling, and celebrity bowling on the boredom scale. I found golf more tedious to watch than televised fishing shows, dart matches, or poker tournaments. It was Snoresville, USA. If my only choice for something to watch on TV was golf or Regis and Kelly, I'd burn my television and take up reading.
At least that was how I felt before I discovered NASCAR. (Right now, I'm sure, a good number of you are on your feet and sullying my name with invectives aplenty.)
But, let's face it: To be a NASCAR driver you have to be able to step on the gas and turn left. That's it. At least in golf you need to swing a club and bend over to pick up your ball. That's more exercise than sitting in the front seat and turning left.
As I pondered the boring sports of golf and NASCAR, a brilliant thought occurred to me. We need to combine the two most mind-numbing televised sports into one action-packed extravaganza called NASGOLF. The participants would race around the course in nitro-burning golf carts, stopping only to whack their golf balls or to change their tires. After they hit the ball, they would hop in their racers and speed to where it landed. In the meantime, the pit crew would have located their ball and washed it off for the next stroke.
Players would wear racing helmets, but instead of jumpsuits, they'd wear regular golf attire of ugly pants and one glove. Another rule twist is that when one player is putting, the other player wouldn't have to keep quiet. He would be encouraged to rev his engine and “do donuts” in the fairway to distract the putter.
In NASGOLF, the sand traps would serve as a double hazard. If you hit your ball in there, it would cost you an extra stroke. If you drive your car into the trap, you would need to get some fans from the sidelines to help you push it out, and they would expect to be tipped handsomely.
At the end of the match, the winner would grab the flagpole on the 18th green and speed around the course waving it over his head. Of course, the winner might be a woman, in which case she would wave the flag over her head.
The only drawback to this idea is that the grass on the course would have to be replaced every week, but I'm pretty sure we could get a fertilizer company to sponsor that.
Dale Irvin is The Professional Summarizer™. Invite him to your next event and he'll bring a whole new outlook to the meeting. For booking information call Ruth Levine at (848) 457-9880 or visit www.daleirvin.com. For a free copy of “Insurance as a Second Language,” write to Dale@daleirvin.com.